haha.
i just watched Spirit, stallion of the Cimarron.
okay.
time to sleep.

2:55 AM

i wish i could be this and more of this.
dreams.
what's in a dream?
it can't seem to be caught,
and what's the whole point in it?

everything seems futile for now.

wasted dreams.days and nights.

only You make sense right now.
everything else doesn't.

but even then, i can't seem to get to you.


silence.
what does it mean.
what does it entail?

its painful,
but maybe less easy to not talk or speak to you.
yet, i have to face you every day.

just close by,
but miles apart.

i don't know how else.
i don't know what else.
the world just seems to move on.
and everyday,
we seem to drift apart.
in ideas, feelings, and everything else.

you seem to impose your judgement, or rules on me,
but yet know little about what's going on in my life.
what understanding is there?

and i hear all of you,
who quote, and claim, and talk.
and yet fail to care.

or maybe i'm just being ridiculous.
i probably think i am.
feeling totally irrational.

don't bother about me.

i want to leave this place.
run away.
argh.

i look up with blurry eyes,
wishing to see you there.

and i think to myself.
what a wonderful world.

Jesus Jesus how i trust you
how i've proved you o'er and o'er
Jesus Jesus precious Jesus
come pull me through

please take from me my life
when i don't have the strength
to give it away to You.



feel like watching it.

this is so sweet


watch the part 2 too.

ok. i've said enough.
good night.

Labels: come by here

12:21 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

i never knew it would be so difficult.
did it require so much?

i lay it all down.
i do.
i try my very best.
it's so hard.
and i fight against it.
my very soul. self. pride.
ugly beast that raises its head.
all my dreams. hopes. wishes.

i do try.


it took me only to realise today.
almost half the meaning of the word: obedience.

i fight tears.
i fight words.
that try to tear me down from within.

maybe it isn't such a big deal afterall.

but it matters to me.

why won't anyone understand?
what i dream of doing,
of becoming?
but then again.
the Self doesn't get any part.
should not get any part.
die.
die.
die to self.


i need to fight a winning battle.

despite all the knowledge you know,
but have not loved.
have not obeyed.
what's the point?

and again, that feeling of estrangement comes.
when im just a weird being.

whip.
kill.
murder.
bury!
strangle.
fight.
slay!

words i can't express enough for the battles within me.
i can only take comfort in the fact that You are moulding,
shaping,
breaking.
and oh,
it hurts.
ever so much than before.

and then i remember,
i am to be pure and holy before you
in body and spirit and soul.
nothing else.
nothing more.
but the barest of all.
depraved man that i am.

distrust even yourself.
trust no one but the Father,Son, and Holy Spirit.

if man says, Great is the Lord,
let him show forth.
and not let others be stumbled by whatever that he says!
actions! actions!
make haste!


the endless runnings going on in my head!

of all i've seen,
heard, watched, read.

Man is totally depraved!
Save but the grace and mercy of God!
and my soul cries out to you,
save me Living God!

it is all meaningless.
vanity!

even the ones whom u call brothers and sisters,
cannot be trusted!
where do you put your hope?
only in Christ Jesus our Lord!
who fails not!
who changest not!


dreamings.
hopes.
wishes.

i lay them down.
as hard as it seems.
i cannot fight it.
i cannot.
and i can only cry to You,
and beg you for mercy and forgiveness.

what a fool i am!
save me Lord,
save me.

Labels: God keeps me sane

12:15 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

thousand things to do.
i feel like this.



could you help me clear this mess within my head.
and give me some rest.

thank You for bringing me through another week.
only Your grace and mercy.

sighs.

did so badly for assessment.
did all the possible wrong things i could ever do.
why?
):

but it's all over.
i just hope they pass me.

and there's another one next week.
it's never-ending is it?

God.
only You can help me.
i'm going to escape for awhile.

Labels: i praise you for every day still.

1:45 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

thank You for being here.
i need You to cleanse me and purify me.

draw me close
closer than before.
closer than i've ever been.

into Your arms
i'm drawing near again
to dwell with You
it's my only heart's desire.

all i can do
is fall on my knees and cry
cleanse me with fire
purify my heart


i need You more than i've ever needed.
this race never stops.

wrap me in Your arms

Labels: take me to that secret place.

2:10 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

you keep me sane.
you keep me alive.

i have tasted my own.
and i fall short of everything.

and the blurry lines keep me from walking straight.
oh.
a disease of the heart that consumes and devours.

what laughter sound may bring
or the smiles that show on the face

all boils down and dissipates.

why do i find myself wondering again about the things i should have discarded long ago?
and digging up deep within to find all that dissatifies.

oh bother.
the final crunch.
and then a few more.

i believe You are Mighty to save.

Labels: bits and pieces all over.

6:53 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

i realised the closeness of death.
the helplessness of man.
the near-cryings of losing someone.
the wonderings of what it would be like to be in the isolation ward and running a fever.

you're slowly going.
i imagine myself standing and watching,
feeling sadness, and helplessness.
with all knowledge of what goes on in that mortal body,
but not knowing how to help,
or do.
perhaps, you still remember me?
as you look into my eyes,
will i stare at lifeless ones,
or prick that sense of familiarity?
would you hear my voice and smile inwardly,
knowing it's me you're listening to?
would you feel the warmth
when i hold your hand?

and i cannot even say i knew you for who you are.
you are,
but a past,
a memory of something i had when i was young.
and i wish i had more.
i remember the time i heard you sing;
oh what joy and happiness poured forth from within me!
familiar songs of old,
hymns,
"amazing grace!"
"Heaven is a wonderful place!"
and i cherish every moment of it.
keep it close to my heart.

and even as these thoughts drift in my mind,
would you know?

i can only imagine a day where we sit by the sea,
the wind calling our hair
and trees singing their silent praise.
and we would talk,
and catch on the lost time and space.

but for now,
i can only laugh as i think to myself
absurd thoughts,
dreamings and musings.
thank God only You know what i'm thinking.
else i become a laughing stock.


who am i
that You are mindful of me?

Labels: hope is coming for me.

1:36 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

when the day can possibly go wrong in every way.
when i've a load of stuff coming up.when i get overwhelmed by circumstances.

help me not to panic.
not to be anxious.
not to worry.

because my future is held in Your hands.

but to be broken more and more.
each day.
to know more of You,
and die to myself;
selfish stinking self.
and be more like you.
holy, righteous and true.
humble, loving, slow to anger and compassionate.
gentle.

save me from myself.

all these i count as loss
compared to knowing You.

knowing You Jesus
knowing You
there is no greater thing
You're my joy,
You're the best
You're my joy my Righteousness
and i love You Lord

i need You.

Labels: little deaths. the seed must die.

12:34 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

you're not listening.
you just want to do what you want.

you're not prioritising.

proud.
ignorant.

no support?
you never see only.

can't even talk to you properly.

Labels: morning conversations.

9:13 AM

i don't know what i'm getting myself into,
really.

school has been most challenging this sem.
often askin,
am i facing this?
am i really going to be doing that?

i can't answer them.
and i'm not looking forward to clinicals at the end of the year.
it's going to be crazy.
i can feel it.

and i feel like just collapsing,
and not getting up.

let me lay down in this field
and watch the sky go past;
like a dead man
lying on the carpet.

don't disturb me.

the phone can be a curse sometimes.

and all that's going on around.

the rushing ins and going outs.

then you see a familiar face,
and with someone alongside.
and you ask yourself,
are you really worth it?

i cannot look at myself and answer that question.
or inside my mind to find answers to other doubts and thoughts.

i can only seek,
and strive to wait.

how funny it is.
to fight to wait. and be still.
and still feel something after a long while.

being not busy in a very busy place.

profound words.

i cannot understand.
like clockwork.

and i'm just revisiting the memories of past,
and the part of me that i fight against.

and to walk and live amongst the dead and living,
how scary and yet exciting it is.
but a journey i know i am ill-prepared for.

so what then?
i prepare myself now?

take me away
i've got nothing left to say.

Labels: come walk with me.

1:00 AM

she stares out of the window.

outside, it was raining.
pitter patter.
the light rain drops hit and splashed and trickled down the glass.
overhead, the thunder rolled.

'i want to dance in the rain.'
she thought to herself,
and closed her eyes.

she found herself in a misty wood,
the grass wet and fresh with rain from the night's shower.
inhaling,
the scent was alluring,
and familiar.
she started walking towards the stone table that lay on a mount ahead of her.

it was still the same.
the broken yet flat rock that she had used for a chair,
the slanted jutting one that stood beside it.
he used to sit there.

she stood, staring at it.
memories started flooding her mind,
and everything seemed to fade into existence as he seemed to step into the reality of her world.

'couldn't you come back again?
couldn't you come,
and take my hand,
and laugh and sing and dance with me again?
i can't bear it myself any longer.

come back!
oh please, come back!'

silently, the tears came.
salt that mingled with emotions slid down her fair skin.

then,
she heard.

"I'm here,
I'm here."

there He stood.
silent, waiting.
and with tears streaming down His face.


the train jolted.
she woke.
touching her face,
she felt its moisture and hastily wiped it dry with her sleeve.

it all felt so real.

sighing,
she continued to stare out at the passing trees
and raindrops that made music to her ears.

Labels: constant stringings in my mind.

12:33 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

renee, renee.
you make me suffer.

i don't even know you.

and just finished listening to cancer lec.
kamala is funny. she talk so fast i was pushing the pause button so many times.

good night everyone.

Labels: scream and say out loud.

2:23 AM

i'm staring at food on the table.
lately,
ive been eating late dinners which are not very healthy.
and so fattening.
ugh.

but.
sighs.

i feel more ugh-ed about the lack of understanding i feel right now.

being so irritable the past week has been such a nightmare.
and i am angry that i took it out in the wrong places and wrong people.

it was so much better when i spent an hour plus doing qt this morning.
like first thing after i brushed my teeth.

and the day was sort of productive.

but i feel so estranged.
and im so openly describing everything here.
so not me.

sighs.
God, help me deal with the thoughts running through my head.
why am i seemingly back at square one?
i feel like decapitating myself and becoming another person.
escaping to somewhere else.

for a little time.

frustrations.
really feel like pulling my hair out.
and it all falls in one place.
one time.
one heart.
one mind.

it's too much to take.
and i fight and struggle with the persons within me.
am i a freak or what.

ah wretched soul.

amazing grace
how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me
i once was lost
but now am found
was blind but now i see


i don't want to ___________.
but help me.
please.
im desperate.
and hanging on thin air.

if only words could describe how i'm feeling.
and are you blind to everything i'm going through?

i'm falling and crumbling.

You hold me now.

there is a God
who loves me
who wraps me in His arms
there is a place
where i am free
and that's where i belong

take me to that place Lord
to that secret place where
i can be with You
You can make me like You

wrap me in Your arms
wrap me in Your arms
wrap me in Your arms

now.
wrap me and hold me close
til i can breathe in nothing but You.

Labels: help.

12:22 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

The heavens declare the glory of God;
and the firmament shows His handiwork.
Day unto day utters speech,
and night unto night reveals knowledge.
There is no speech nor language
where their voice is not heard.

The law of the LORD is perfect,
converting the soul;
the testimony of the LORD is sure,
making wise the simple;
the statutes of the LORD are right,
rejoicing the heart;
the commandments of the LORD is pure,
enlightening the eyes;
the fear of the LORD is clean,
enduring forever;
the judgements of the LORD are true and righteous altogether.

More to be desired are they than gold,
Yea, than much fine gold;
sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb.
Moreover by them Your servant is warned,
and in keeping them there is great reward.

Who can understand his errors?
Cleanse me from secret faults.
Keep back Your servant also from presumptous sins;
let them not have dominion over me,
then I shall be blameless,
and I shall be innocent of great transgression.

Let the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be acceptable in Your sight,
O LORD, my strength and my Redeemer.

Psalm 19: 1-4, 7-14

may i store these words deep in my heart.
let them not depart from me.
i pray,
lock them deep in my soul and my mind.

be thou my vision o Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me
save that Thou Art.
Thou my best thought
by day or by night
waking or sleeping
my presence, my light.

i lift these dreams to you.
of wanting to sing and play my instruments and just leading a life that is mot bound by systems and restrictions.
at least not the systems of the world.
by Yours, i would gladly adhere to.

and so it begins again,
a new chapter to learn to love You,
obey You,
fear You,
wait upon You.

teach me.

Labels: walk on.

12:44 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

i stand in awe of you.
and amazed and who you are and what you have done.

again,
you tell me,
i love you.
and im in awe.
and marvel and how and why you do.

oh my soul's wretchedness.
and i am awake this hour.

sigghs.
i broke my glasses by sleeping on them last last night.):
was so tired i fell aslp with gor n everyone else awake on the sofa.
see what happens caron koh.

and again,
i feel a little let down.
when words don't mean anything to those u talk to.
seemingly non-existent.
when u reach out and try,
and nothing happens.
and it all goes back to square one.

and then again,
i'm reminded of your love and grace.
and unending mercy.
unfailing love.
amazing grace.
which envelopes me and brings me to my knees.

brought me to my knees that saturday.
to make a promise.
of wanting to soak in our presence and just be still before you.

i find myself having fewer friends.
but all the more clinging closer to you.
knowing all along,
that you
never let go of me.
and never fail me.

great is Thy faithfulness
O Lord my father
there is no shadow of turning with Thee.

and i just look at you,
and am at a loss for words.

what then?
can i do.
with all these things in my head.

i don't know.

but to say and give you praise.
for you love,
and you loved a broken person like me.
and those around.

i will learn to die to self,
and preach your word,
and love to those around.
help me.

and if you're reading this:
Jesus loves you very very much.
all of you.
every part of you that you think is not nice,
or too big or small or pimply or fat or thin.
He loves you.

and He died for your sins.
every wrong thing that you have done.
and He reaches His hand out to you
and asks you to accept this love He has for you.
to enter a love relationship with Him.
learning all about Him,
what He has done for you,
about who He is.

won't you love Him?

and it is the only way out from going to hell.



one thing i desire:
that i may dwell in Your house,
all the days of my life.
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord,
and seek His face always.

Labels: i love soccer but not blisters.

1:51 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

and back again.
when all is said and done,
i pray,
wrap me in Your arms.
and let me be found only in You.

i will make my boast in Christ alone.

12:05 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

shout it out (:

-

all the brothers and sisters

-

of old.

-

credits.

-

wonderful people

-